Opinion: Calling the person you feel closest to and plan on staying with for the rest of your life a gendered friend is way too soft. I came up with some new terms.
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Imagine living with someone for years. You are emotionally attached to this person like you are to no other person in your life. If all things are going well, you plan on staying with this person for perhaps the rest of your life. They are the one source of romantic love in any of your days.
Who is this person to you? Your boyfriend? Your girlfriend?
What did you just call them? Do you even care about them at all?
There’s no way you love that person like that and then proceed to call them your boyfriend or girlfriend. How plain disrespectful. You might as well break up.
In all the seriousness I can muster, the term boyfriend/girlfriend is terrible. You take your potential life partner, give them all the love you have and the only term you have to refer to them is [insert gender]friend.
Doesn’t that sound like the weakest thing you could call them? Of all the different ways we could try to express our love for this person, the best way we have is that they are a friend and also are a particular gender. Nothing else is of importance to this person. No cliff notes or further information to add, just that they are a girl or boy and a good acquaintance of yours.
Imagine dating past college. You’re out on the scene again until you finally find someone to settle down with, and when your actual friends come and ask about this person, you tell them they’re your boyfriend. No, he’s not. He’s 32. That’s a man. He has a lease on a studio apartment. He has knee pain.
That’s also not a friend. I don’t dream of staying in a five-star resort with unlimited drinks in the Caribbean, watching the sunset with just any friend. I imagine that with my girlfriend.
But did you just see the complete void of any impact that sentence had? That was supposed to be a big walk-off sentence. I just read it over to my girlfriend, and she said, “Oh, I want to go to the beach with my girly friend. Shut up, nerd.”
She loves me too, don’t worry.
It’s just in the term boyfriend or girlfriend. Think of other terms we have to refer to the person we date, even if they are further down the road in the relationship. Fiancé, now that’s fire. It makes you want to get engaged just to say that instead of boyfriend/girlfriend. It’s the only thing I’ll thank the French for.
Husband, wife and spouse are not as flashy, but they still have more substance. They seem much more grounded as a term of endearment and entirely more significant than boyfriend/girlfriend. They sound like actual terms of endearment, not a blasé compound term. It’s like if we called a bowl a “catchyplate,” or a ceiling fan a “coolblower.”
Speaking of significance, I’m not accepting the other terms we already have for a romantic relationship. I won’t say “significant other”; it sounds too scientific and stiff. I don’t plan on dissecting her. I just want a cute little term. I also can’t go with just “partner.” We aren’t wrangling up cattle together. It’s got a solid base to it. I just want something more special.
Other languages have much better terms for the person or persons you date. Not to complement the French more, but “le petit ami” does sound better than the English term. In Iceland, you would call your romantic partner your “kærasta,” which sounds nice. The “A” and “E” in the word are even giving each other a hug because the word is so cute. In Spanish, the term is “novio” or “novia,” but you know what it isn’t? “Chicoamigo” because that sounds estúpido.
Not to mention the fact that the terms “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” make unreliable presumptions about the persons in a relationship. These terms assume a person in a relationship with you is a “boy,” “girl” or even a “friend” when in reality, they could be none of these labels. You don’t know that person, who they are or if they even like you. Assuming they do is problematic.
So (he’s going to say the line again), I came up with a list of new terms to refer to the romantic people in your life.
Love: Short and sweet, just call your partner your “love.” Gets the point across a lot better than “girlfriend” or “partner.” Just don’t let the British hear you using it. They call everyone that over there: friends, customers, dogs, breakfast or whatever they can find. Keep it in the relationship over here.
Beau: I’m aware this is generally a term to refer to a male courter, but I feel like it would not be too hard to degender this term on the basis of it sounding cute. It feels like a word in “The Notebook” type of love. You know, past all the shameless infidelity, toxic arguments and minor stalking. Maybe I should just pick a better movie.
(Their favorite flower): It might be a bit of a stretch, but the idea of calling your romantic partner by their favorite flower sounds cool to me. Of course, it might get difficult for people named Lily or Rose, for example. But imagine dating someone and asking that first big question: “Will you be my stinking hellebore?”
Bae: Yes, I said it. Run it back. Let “bae” make its farewell tour. Let’s all make a Musical.ly together. Throw on an infinity scarf and a shirt with a mustache design. Embrace your heritage. Or you can just use this when you forget how to spell “beau.”
Baller: When you want someone to go on a date with you, you’re sometimes referred to as a courter. Meet me on the court, then. You can’t guard me. I just bounced the ball off your head, caught it and dunked on you, idiot.
(What you rate them out of ten): A relationship is all about transparency. Your date will appreciate this when you introduce them like so: “Nice to meet you, and this is my 7.5. We’ve been together for three years now.”
Pog champ: Your parents will never believe you when you tell them you got one.