April: The streets of Melbourne are deserted due to the draconian measures imposed by Dan Andrews’ government to prevent an outbreak of the global pandemic. Those coming in from abroad are rushed into hotel quarantine. But in a dramatic breech of protocol, it is discovered that one of the hotel quarantine guards has been secretly sharing a take-away pepperoni and garlic pizza every night in bed with one of the female detainees. Weirdly, she tests negative.
May: Victoria Police raid a suburban home in Ballarat and arrest a pregnant woman in her pyjamas in front of her kids for posting subversive comments on Facebook. As her husband protests loudly, the sobbing woman quietly agrees to take down the offensive post. “I never meant to do anything wrong! I was just re-posting my friend’s recipe for garlic croutons!”
July: In the midst of the UK lockdown, the Britain’s top Covid modelling expert Neil Ferguson is caught red-handed sneaking out to have a secret rendezvous with his girlfriend in their love pad on the other side of the Thames. “I just couldn’t control my urges,” he admits. “It’s her garlic and rosemary lamb hotpot, the smell drives me crazy.”
August: In northern NSW a frantic mother with four screaming kids is desperate to order an Ultimate Cheesy Garlic Toast Family Pack, but the nearest Subway is just across the border in locked-down Queensland. Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk remains unmoved. “Queensland Subways are for Queenslanders,” she insists, to rapturous approval from the press pack.
October: President Donald Trump turns on his chief virologist Dr Anthony Fauci and declares he had COVID-19 but it was no big deal. “I just took took a couple of garlic tablets.”
January 2021: Australia’s Chief Medical Officer Brendan Furphy holds an emergency press conference to warn against political mavericks such as Liberal MP Craig Kelly spruiking unconventional remedies for COVID-19. “Ivermectin is a horse worming tablet. Next thing you know these conspiracy theorists will be saying you can ward off COVID with a clove of garlic,” he quips, to roars of laughter from the press pack.
February: Munching on a large slice of garlic and mushroom pizza, Kelly resigns from the Liberal party. “From now on I’ll be sitting on the front bench at my local Domino’s,” he insists.
September: Victoria Police fire rubber bullets and capsicum spray at a mass event at the Cenotaph to disperse a large gathering of mostly peaceful garlic lovers who have congregated outside a Korean barbecue stall.
November: The government comes under attack for having not ordered enough COVID-19 vaccines. Worried that it will cost him the next election, Scott Morrison panics and secretly swears himself into every portfolio he can lay his hands on, including Minister for Catering at Parliament House.
March 2022: Midway during a national cabinet meeting, the PM discovers he got his portfolios mixed up and has accidentally mandated 80 million cloves of garlic. COVID is over within three weeks and ScoMo wins in a landslide.