Today, we’ll have
The Big Announcement.
“Don’t bet against a presidential run,” they gushed. Me? I bet everything on a gender reveal, and if it’s a transgender Burgum, I’ll have more money than he does.
I had a hunch. Why else would they make the announcement on Hump Day? Unless it’s just to mess with my deadline. It begs the question, though; which bathroom will the kid use? Let’s not even get started on diaper protocol. We may need to call a special session.
Presuming he’s a candidate, let’s start with a brief exercise: What does Doug Burgum stand for?
I’ll wait.
Tick-tock. Or TikTok, meaning this column won’t run in Montana.
Don’t worry, Burgum didn’t know, either.
As Eric Sevareid said, “Doug Burgum is a blank spot in the nation’s mind.” However, Burgum’s been grooming writers like the Manchurian Candidate. Some think Burgum’s a classic dark horse. Which, frankly, feels kinda racist.
I’m still trying to imagine how my grooming would go. “Hey Tonester-buddy, I just sold my business for $1.1 billion. Can you tell me the secret to your success?”
That’s it? Semi-Woke Bill Gates Lite? I-Banned-The-Trans-But-Not-The-Books-Burgum?
Endorsement idea: “I’ve never known anyone who thought he was smarter than Doug Burgum.” — MS-DOS, famous rapper.
I’m not sold, but I desperately want to be, because it could mean a gonzo journalism assignment in Iowa with Mike McFeely.
“Why not include Rob Port?” you ask. “Aren’t you being racist against Rob Port?”
Maybe. But it’s for his own good. Think about it. Alcohol, corndogs, three guys, two beds, a room overlooking the dumpsters in picturesque downtown Ottumwa, more alcohol … In the immortal words of Aretha Franklin, Who’s Grooming Who?
Burgum needs a nifty narrative … (cue Lee Greenwood) … He was born in a log cabin built by Abe Lincoln in rural Arthur, North Dakota … Doug would’ve built it himself if he’d been born sooner. I wouldn’t bet against his ability to do it, either, but that would throw the whole “when does life begin” question into time-continuum territory. And those people are confused enough.
From there, it was off to NDSU where he was an unlikely walk-on with the cheerleading squad. Exactly like “Rudy,” only different.
Another endorsement: “We were barely squeaking by Weber State by 49. It’s fourth and 11, and thanks to Burgum’s inspired cheering, a heady checkoff at the line by the quarterback, a fingertip grab by the receiver — but mostly Doug’s cheering — we scored the clincher. He’d pulled a hammy in the second quarter doing the splits. The kid was cheering hurt, for cripes sake! Guttiest thing I ever saw. We carried him off on our shoulders.” — Legendary NDSU Coach Rock Stonehenge
Then, there was his heroic stand against the legislature’s six-week abortion ban. He defiantly wore jeans and Mel Gibson Braveheart warpaint.
“Where do you wackos get off making women second-class citizens?!” he bellowed.
“Jesus commands!” Sen. Nosebetter, R-Edinburg, shrieked, bumping the microphone with her scepter.
Burgum hits the deck. “INCOMING!”
The Sergeant at Arms picks him up. “All clear, sir.”
“PTSD flashbacks from that Morningside game,” Burgum explains.
“Sign here!” Nosebetter demands, looming menacingly. “Or else!”
“Gulp. OK, I’ll sign … but don’t let it happen again … FREEDOM!”
Slogan Idea: “Burgum: Don’t bet against him growing a spine.”
Tony Bender writes an exclusive weekly column from North Dakota for Forum News Service.